Until I was nine years old, I used to cry — not excessively, but the upper lip wobbled in the right circumstances. Then I saw a boy crying in assembly. Bawling, to be precise — red face, tears, snot. And I was disgusted. Above all, I thought he was an idiot for exposing himself so shamefully.
I vowed to quit crying altogether after that and broadly I did well. There was the odd blip — at 15, I wept watching Baywatch in front of all my friends (Mitch’s girlfriend died of cancer). But such blips were rare. And that’s the way I like it now, at 40. I know it isn’t healthy but bottling it up seems like a small price to pay for self-respect. I am quite proud of my heartless exterior.
Or I was. Because now the taps have been turned back on and it’s very confusing. I have not started crying about my son, who is extremely ill, or coronavirus — that would be fine. What’s been getting me lately is an ad on Sky TV for the current Test cricket series between England and Pakistan.